alright so every year i make resolutions...some i actually follow through with...others just fall flat on their faces.
with that said, i am only making 2 "NON-resolutions" this year. of course there are specifics that i want to accomplish/change, but i'm not going to do that this year.
2009 certainly wasn't a bad year for me, but it entailed many struggles and heartaches.
so for 2010...here is is.
1. BE HAPPY
2. release all negativity and things that bring negativity to my life
and i think that about does it.
wishing all my blogging world friends a beautiful and prosperous 2010!!!!
i wanted to share something with my readers today. for those of you that know me personally, you know that music is a HUGE part of my life. music moves me in ways that nothing else on this earth can. music has helped me out of the darkest days of my life and also led me through the happiest moments in my life. and still does to this day. i have a very wide range of music tastes and have a list of musicians and music that have played a very big part in my life. if you were to ask me who my all time favorite band is that has had the most influence on me - it would be depeche mode. i have followed them since i was in junior high and been a devotional (no pun intended with the title) fan of theirs from the first time i heard the album "catching up with depeche mode". i still have this cassette tape. i've seen them in concert more than 10 times (i've lost count) and will continue to see them every chance i get.
i saw this tour in 1993 at a very tough time in my life. i was dating a very abusive guy who was 8 years older than me at the time and i remember going to this show with him. i was 17 then. i adored this album and at that time, i was struggling with my faith. something i have done since as far back as i can remember. i was lost for a very long time. i believed in God, i didn't believe in God, i believed in "something"...i was always questioning and so confused. i always believe there was something there - i never considered myself athiest...but i always considered myself agnostic.
it wasn't until a few years ago that my faith truly started coming to me. that i was finally building a relationship with God. i continue to build that relationship daily with Him/Her. i have written a few times in this blog about my search and i'm sure there will be other posts in the future.
when i say i adore this album, i did. but i could never explain why. and in listening to the songs, i never really "got" them. i was driving home from work the other day, flipping through my cds and i found this album. i thought to myself that i hadn't heard it in so long and decided to pop it in the cd player. it has been in there on repeat since. i've probably listened to it atleast 8 times all the way through. i didn't realize until now the effect the words and the music had on me in this album until right now. it's funny when you've listened to something for so long and loved it, but it doesn't bring a deeper meaning until you least expect it.
every single song on this album is phenomenal. i did, however want to share with you all a few of the songs that move me the most. i am going to share a few videos from the devotional tour dvd that depeche mode put out and add the lyrics for you. i hope you enjoy them as well.
Depeche Mode - Higher Love
I can taste more than feel This burning inside is so real I can almost lay my hands upon The warm glow that lingers on
Moved, lifted higher Moved, my soul's on fire Moved, by a higher love
I surrender all control To the desire that consumes me whole Leads me by the hand to infinity Lies in wait at the heart of me
Moved, lifted higher Moved, my soul's on fire Moved, by a higher love
Heaven bound on the wings of love There's so much that you can rise above
Moved, lifted higher Moved, moved, by a higher love By a higher love
I surrender heart and soul Sacrificed to a higher goal
Moved, moved by a higher love By a higher love ----------------------
Depeche Mode - Judas
Is simplicity best Or simply the easiest The narrowest path Is always the holiest So walk on barefoot for me Suffer some misery If you want my love If you want my love
Man will survive The harshest conditions And stay alive Through difficult decisions So make up your mind for me Walk the line for me If you want my love If you want my love
Idle talk And hollow promises Cheating Judases Doubting Thomases Don't just stand there and shout it Do something about it
You can fulfill Your wildest ambitions And I'm sure you will Lose your inhibitions So open yourself for me Risk your health for me If you want my love If you want my love If you want my love If you want my love -------------
Depeche Mode - Mercy In You
You know what I need When my heart bleeds I suffer from greed A longing to feed On the mercy in you
I can't conceal The way I'm healed The pleasure I feel When I have to deal With the mercy in you
I would do it all again Lose my way and fall again Just so I could call again On the mercy in you
When here in my mind I feel inclined To wrongly treat you unkind I have faith I will find The mercy in you
I would lose my way again Be led hopelessly astray again Just so I could pray again For the mercy in you
When here in my mind I have been blind Emotionally behind I have faith I will find The mercy in you
welp, i've finally done it. i made the decision to quit smoking. i knew it was coming, my body has been ready. i smoked my last cigarette on 11/30. i have been smoke free for 15 full days. and lord knows it hasn't been easy. and it will continue to be a struggle, but i'm determined. i also haven't been out drinking with my friends either - that is going to be a huge challenge. agh. wish me luck :)
on a different note from my post i made just a few moments ago, if you haven't yet read this book, you MUST read it. it is so utterly phenomenal, yet heart wrenching. i can not WAIT for the movie to come out!!! (and just a side note, the author's real life journey is truly amazing as well)
wow, i just had to take a moment to brag about ladybug's drawing she just finished. she did it completely freehand looking at a different design to get an idea from, but made something completely her own. check it out! and yes, that's a horse's head. i think i have the next picasso on my hands.
i would like to take a moment to thank my lovely and beautiful and talented blogging soul sister ~ brandi ~ for the amazing spotlight for my jewelry that she posted on her blog :
everything that is currently in my shop right now is 20% off and i'm gearing up my creative juices again as the autumn weather is starting to settle in . look for more jewelry to be posted soon :) :)
these are the two books i'm reading at the moment. yes, going back through the twilight saga again. (i'm a glutton for punishment). i borrowed the other from crack monkey. i apparently have some issues. HA!
the ignorance of the american people and of parents in general (and this is a moment in time that i HATE being a TEXAN). make that DESPISE.
yesterday i heard about this obama speech to our children in their schools next week. my assistant came into my office yesterday and was saying how he was going back and forth all day long with his daughter's middle school stating he doesn't want his daughter to watch the president's speech next week. this was the first i had heard about it. but his reasoning is "i'm not going to have my daughter be subject to that asshole. i hate that son-of-a-bitch."
REALLY?!?!? i kept my mouth shut, but i knew finding out more about this was going to throw me through the roof. on top of not feeling well this week - and feeling even worse yesterday and now today - i am all fired up about this.
so i get online and i read things like ....
"President Barack Obama's plans for a televised back-to-school address to students next week are drawing fire from some conservatives, who say he's just trying to indoctrinate them to his political beliefs."
and
"In the Sept. 8 speech, Obama will challenge students to work hard, set goals for their education and take responsibility for their learning, Education Secretary Arne Duncan said in a letter to principals."
and
" 'He will also call for a shared responsibility and commitment on the part of students, parents and educators to ensure that every child in every school receives the best education possible so they can compete in the global economy for good jobs and live rewarding and productive lives as American citizens' Duncan said in a press release."
oh AND THIS
"But already, some conservatives are crying foul. The chairman of the Florida Republican Party is condemning Obama's speech as an attempt to "indoctrinate America's children to his socialist agenda." "The idea that school children across our nation will be forced to watch the President justify his plans for government-run health care, banks, and automobile companies, increasing taxes on those who create jobs, and racking up more debt than any other President, is not only infuriating, but goes against beliefs of the majority of Americans, while bypassing American parents through an invasive abuse of power," Chairman Jim Greer said in a press release.
Added conservative talk show host Tammy Bruce, in a Twitter feed: "Make September 8 Parentally Approved Skip Day. You are your child's moral tutor, not that shady lawyer from Chicago." And conservative author Michelle Malkin said the lesson plans have a "heavy activist bent." "
ADDITIONALLY
"In his letter to principals, Duncan said viewing of the speech is encouraged, not mandatory. It's the first time a president has ever given a speech addressed directly to students."
i literally feel sick to my stomach. i am so enraged i am shaking...in fact, i really can't talk about this anymore. so i will just leave you with a little exchange between crack monkey and i this morning.
crack monkey: did you give administration hell?
butterfly: yes - on hold for 30 minutes
butterfly: finally got through.
asked what the reasoning behind them not showing the
presidential address was "too many parents complained"
butterfly: me - "what were they compliaining about exactly"
butterfly: admin : "we just had too many phone calls from parents
and decided we will not be showing it. it will be video taped and
available in video though"
butterfly: REALLY?!?!?!??!?!?!??!!
butterfly: so i have a phone call into ladybug's principal right now
crack monkey: you know...this could have been the coolest thing in
these kids' lives.
butterfly: i am so tired of ignorance
butterfly: truly
crack monkey: the thing they look back on that motivated them to stay
in school, go to college and get a good job
butterfly: so what i might just do it pull ladybug out of school while its on,
get her to a computer for her to watch and take her back to school
butterfly: and if they count her absent during that time, so be it
butterfly: i will cause hell on top of that if they do
crack monkey: i still remember getting to talk via video to the people while
they were discovering the titanic wreck
crack monkey: it was awesome
crack monkey: this would have trumped that
crack monkey: i hate people
butterfly: lol
butterfly: me too
crack monkey: ignorant, knee jerk reactionists that don't know progess even when
it's biting them in the butt
crack monkey: "intellectualism" has become "elitist"
butterfly: amen sister
crack monkey: stupid, stupid people
19 years ago today, we lost a brilliant musician. you are missed so dearly, stevie. God bless Texas...
~ soul to soul ~"You see, we are here, as far as I can tell, to help each other; our brothers, our sisters, our friends, our enemies. That is to help each other and not hurt each other." ~ Stevie Ray Vaughan
please excuse my rawness and possible manic ranting in this post, but i view this as part of my healing process, so well...here goes nothin. again....i apologize for the mere craziness of this post.
my love and i broke up yesterday. i will leave all the history out of this post, but just know we have been through A LOT together - from a drug and alcohol addiction to money issues to issues with children and ex's. it's been a roller coaster ride literally. we decided in november to give it one more shot. with all of the issues out of the way, we wanted to start a new. things were great. i truly thought things were going to work out this time. it's unfortunate how hard it is to get past some things at times. i had an underlying trust issue that was never quite resolved. we have struggled with them this whole time. it's been a slight issue, but i think i've managed pretty well with it. it seemed to be getting better.
things have been a little "off" for the past month and a half or so. let me preface with the fact that my now ex is a musician and is travelling most of the time. he's not home a whole lot, but we did live together and were sharing our lives together when he was at home and off the road. things haven't seemed right for a little while. we've gotten into a few spats and fixed them. we went on vacation to new orleans and had a wonderful time. as soon as we got home, something happened. someone from his past got into contact with him and he lied to me about it. it was bad. we got into it and things haven't been right for a week. he was out of town this past weekend and got back sunday night exhausted and very distant. i left for work yesterday morning - he was still asleep. he sent a text message to me yesterday morning saying we needed to have a serious talk about everything. i immediately called him. i could hear in his voice what was about to happen. it was a short conversation. i finished all my work - i left - went home and as i suspected everything of his was out of the apartment and the key under the mat. couldn't get a hold of him via text message or phone call.
got to the computer to check my email and his email was still up - he hadn't logged out. well...what did i find? of course communication between him and this "ex girlfriend" for whom he wrote a song about - stupid me thinking it was just a song about a girl...from his past. emails to her at the beginning of july saying how he had dreamed about her all night and couldn't stop thinking about her and that he will always love her. return emails from her stating how she will always love him and misses him. and then of course a more recent email entitled "for you" with a link to a youtube video of him playing his song he wrote for her and addressing it to her.
i'm crushed.
i'm so so so so so very angry and my heart is broken into so many pieces. AGAIN, i am 2nd. it seems like i have been in way too many situations where i have been 2nd choice. i am tired of being that person. and when you are that person for so long, you almost feel like you will be that way forever. but i know i don't deserve that. no one deserves that.
i am not blaming him for the demise of this relationship. i certainly have not been perfect - no one is. i had my role and i've made mistakes and said or done things that i'm not necessarily proud of.
but this by far is the ultimate betrayal.
so here i am in a whirlwind of emotions i go from a slight tear to fierce anger. i didn't sleep a wink last night - had major crazy dreams about his family last night as well. it was bizarre.
and to top it off there are kids involved. not "ours" together but mine and his. and they have become so close.
i can't believe he just up and left. no communication - no nothing. he did this once before to me but we had been through the "why" of it and the promise of it never happening again that i truly thought it wouldn't. and here we are.
no more chances...no more tries. no more making up. i am washing my hands completely of him from my life and starting the healing process. i know it's not as bad as in previous times because i've already been through it several times.
i know that i am going to focus solely for now on myself and on my daughter. i have put off so many things that i have wanted to do for myself and i plan to tackle them one at a time.
outdoor soccer season starts this sunday, so there's my first step. i'm looking forward to the intense running and sweating and releasing the toxins from my body...the emotional and physical ones.
sorry to be such a downer. i won't be any worse than this. it's all uphill from here. i have to go throw the motions AND the emotions and start my road to healing.
i am normally not such an open person about my personal life especially on here, but today, i felt i should be. that i needed to be.
i am thanking God for another day and asking him for the strength to guide me through this tough time in my life. better days are ahead.
*on a side and happy note, i would like to thank my sweet sweet soul sister, brandi for purchasing one of my necklaces from my etsy shop. you have no idea what the support means to me. check out her blog HERE and her photography HERE. she's such a creative and beautiful soul. thank you so much my darling. hugs and kisses to you.*
well, leave it to me to accidentaly delete two of the photos i was trying to post in the photo blog and i couldn't get them back in order, so here ya go.
well...i am FINALLY recouping from my week long vacation. been home for a week and i'm still in a slight daze. well worth it though. when i can find the time and the energy (not an overabundance of it quite yet around here), i will blog in detail about the trip. but for now, here are some photos to take you along our journey. i took many more, but i chose a few of my favorites. enjoy!
i would like to first set off the mood as we were leaving dallas headed east, "born on the bayou" by CCR came on the radio. couldn't get any better than that...
leaving shreveport, LA - headed southbound
had to snap a shot of this sign in the boudin shop - we had definitely entered coon ass country - i could hardly understand a word anyone was saying - strong south louisiana accent
the boudin (prounounced boodan) shop in breaux bridge, LA (famous for the boudin)
crawfish balls from the boudin shop. oh.my.goodness.
the atchafalaya basin - largest swamp in the US - definitely don't want to be breakin down around these here parts
another shot of the atchafalaya basin (please notice how i did not get OUT of the car to take a photo - there's a good reason for that ;) )
welcome to natchitoches (pronounced nakitish)
view towards the cane river from the river walk - it was breathtaking
fountain in the cane river - see the rainbow? :)
stunning magnolia tree along the cane river
all the benches looked like this. the fleur de lis definitely has a new meaning to me after experiencing louisiana.
banana plants outside the roque house
gorgeous, huge, OLD oak tree - i fell in love with it. the photo doesn't do it any justice.
one of my favorite photos of the trip - the andrew jackson statue in jackson square. i was amazed how this photo came out
jackson square in the morning
in between jackson square and the st. louis cathedral. i love the colors in this photo.
joan of arc statue - maid of orleans
gas lamps along the streets of the french quarter. i absolutely fell in love with them. especially at night. it completed the feel and ambiance of new orleans for me.
trompone player outside cafe du monde
cafe du monde coffee - i don't drink coffee, but for regular coffee drinkers, it's some of the best coffee in the world...chickory
beignets at cafe du monde. yes, they are as delicious as they look.
lake pontchartrain (the r is silent) and the causeway. 2nd largest salt water lake in the US. the causeway is the largest bridge over a body of water in the WORLD! 24 miles long. we drove all the way across and all the way back. i really felt connected in this part of louisiana - this is where many of my ancestors are from.
french quarter - new orleans
chartres street - new orleans
french quarter - new orleans
the seafood platter at deanie's. mikey and lance split it and still didn't get 1/2 way through it. good lord!
let me explain this photo as it came out very fuzzy. this is the statue of jesus behind the st. louis cathedral. we were walking back to our hotel from bourbon street one night and the shadow from the statue on the cathedral was utterly amazing. the photo did not capture it at all.
statue of jesus behind the st. louis cathedral. i thought it was really neat how the bird was sitting on his outstretched hand.
and this concludes our photo journey. i hope you enjoyed it. i will sit down and write more about the trip later, but it's amazing the stories that can be told through pictures. i'm definitely going back, but i have to admit, i will not be going back to new orleans in august. it was SWELTERING hot. even in the tour guide books, they have events for every month and what's listed under august says "In August, we sweat." nothing else. and that's the truth.
so i woke up this morning with this song immediately in my head and it still has yet to stray.
"HERE I AM! ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!"
yes, the same one by the scorpions.
why on earth? i have been asking myself that same question all morning. so just thought i would share.
maybe it has something to do with the fact that TODAY IS MY LAST DAY of work and i'm off for an entire week! going to NAWLINS with my sweetie. i.can't.freakin.wait.
butterfly : ok so i had to share this me and ivycurlz went down to get muffins in the basement down here and the little chinese guy is like "merry christmas!" with a big smile on his face we are like uhhhhhhhhh and they are playing white christmas, then it went to another christmas song ON THE RADIO STATION (no it's not a cd) i felt like i was in the twilight zone
the davish one :WTF?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's AWESOME!
butterfly : then of course ivycurlz is singing at the top of her lungs tell her merry christmas :P
the davish one : just did... this ought to be funny
butterfly : oh it will be. and she's UBER hyper today on top of it
the davish one : she writes " Santas comin early!' LMFAO!!!
butterfly : christmas in july maybe? doo doo doo doo wtf that was very bizarre
the davish one : twilight zone time!
butterfly : if this is a sign of how my day is going to go, i don't know if i should be scared or just go with it LOL
the davish one : Trust me, just go with it...
butterfly : will do then this should be interesting...
the davish one : Exactly!! God knew you needed a visit from the Cosmic Jester! (especially after yesterday!)
butterfly : you ain't lying ;)
the davish one : ivycurlz needs your help in picking out office supplies to gift to your santa singing friend downstairs...
butterfly : HAHAHAH this is hysterical too bad we don't have any red staplers :P
the davish one : I KNOW! That's totaly what I was thinking...http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/supplies/61b7/
for those of you that know me know that i certainly am not a shoe person. if it were up to me i would be wearing flip flops or barefeet 365 days out of the year. unfortunately my place of employment doesn't allow either of these, so i have to compromise. i have a couple of pairs of shoes that i wear to work. and they are comfy. and i like them well enough.
i stopped in payless shoes tonight on my way back from my shopping adventure at whole foods and i found these cuties to wear to work. i was iffy on getting them, but then once i read about how green this company is...well...i caved. :)
ok so i know the title is a little abrasive, but seriously folks. this is beyond ridiculous. i think we should take this as a sign.
this summer in our great state of texas is out of control! and by out of control, i mean OUT OF CONTROL.
being the nature loving, hippie gal that i am, i try to make the best of things...but this is excruciating. it's too hot to even go to the pool! the pool water is so warm it's like you are taking a luke warm bath in 150 degree weather on top of that. yuk.
you know it's bad when you walk outside and you instantly can't breath and feel the fire all over your skin.
we've had some bad summers, but this one is definitely a doozy. last summer amazingly wasn't so bad, i think it only got over 100 degrees for a couple of weeks...which is nothing considering the rate we are headed in this one.
i got a giggle on a comment of a friend of mine's facebook last night asking if we had air conditioning down here in texas. holy crikey...could you imagine life without it here? not to mention all of the heat related deaths we have EVEN with air conditioning.
just the forecast for today alone from a local news station :
Noon : 99 degrees, Sunny
Detail : Heat advisory until 7pm tonight
Winds : S 10-15mph
5pm : 105 degrees, Sunny
Detail : Sunny and very hot. Heat advisory continues
Winds : S 10-15mph
uh, so not only are we burning in the pits of hell, but with NO wind on top of it. shoot me now.
so with all of this said, i am going to be going against my hippie nature this summer and continue to stay in the air conditioner so i don't #1, fry like an egg and #2, develop the worst kind of skin cancer known to man. not to mention the million dollar electricity bill.
well, plans for a new braunfels / austin weekend fell through unfortunately. we are replanning for mid-late august. mark my words, it WILL happen. haha.
so instead, crack monkey and i have converted our plans into a girls weekend with the ladybug filled with much pool time, some good chick flicks and some artsy fartsy creativeness.
i will be most sure to take photos from our fun weekend and post them for your viewing pleasure.
until then, i bid you adu (more than likely) cuz i'm busy as hell at work. (i know you are shocked by that news).
butterfly : do you like my cuter booter tiger? ivycurlz : awwww yes thats adoreable butterfly : i want a tiger *ivycurlz* ivycurlz : lol when i win the lotto i will buy you one fo sho butterfly : sweet. i will have to have a house with a lot
of land so it can roam around and sleep with me in bed at night. cuddles! hehehe ivycurlz : okk ok i buy you a big house too with lots of land butterfly : i love yew
look at my tiger...don't you just want to squeeze him and give him
big kisses?
then he will bite our faces off
no he's too young for that.
give him another 3 months or so,
then he will bite our faces off.
rawr.
ivycurlz : not till hes older
he will lick our faces
butterfly : i want him
ivycurlz : then in about 6 months
butterfly : i love hims
ivycurlz : eat our faces
butterfly : nom nom
that's what i can do,
i will raise them until they get to the age of biting my face off,
then send them off into the wild and keep them from being
endangered
ivycurlz : lol you gonna teach them to hunt
butterfly : sure! LOL
ivycurlz : hahah okdeokkkeee
here eat my arm and my leg
come catch me tiger
rargggh
butterfly : i think i'm seriously going to consider this.
move to india or somewhere and start my own wild tiger rescue
raise the cubs until they start scratching my face, then
let them go off into the wild.
sounds like a plan to me
ivycurlz : omg lets go
im in
butterfly : i would love to do that with you
ivycurlz : omg that would be the most perfect job ever
butterfly : let's do it
ivycurlz : live out in the wilderness
butterfly : and cuddle with tiger cubs all day
ivycurlz : have tons of land
feed them giant bottles of milk
butterfly : maybe we could throw in a few elephants too
and giraffes
but we can specialize in the tigers
LMAO
ivycurlz : eeeh
elephant poo is bigger than me
giraffes yes
butterfly : ew you are right.
let's stick with the tigers
ivycurlz : maybe some black panthers
butterfly : ooh yah
ivycurlz : they are pretty
or lionesses
butterfly : let's just do big cats in general
ivycurlz : YES
big cat india farm
butterfly : "IVYCURLZ AND BUTTERFLY'S BIG KITTY
RESCUE"
then undernearth it will say "rawr"
ivycurlz : LOL i love it!!!
lets call it KITTY KLASS
Klass for K*, L* and S* and S*
LOL
butterfly : ooooh that's GOOOOOOOOOD
ivycurlz : lmfao!!
butterfly : we will have to be extra careful with the girls
to make sure they don't get their faces eaten early
ivycurlz : it was stoopid but funny
butterfly : cuz they will be all up in their faces
LOL
ivycurlz : they can wear hockey masks
butterfly : perfect
ivycurlz : doooo dooo dooot doood ooodd
pink ones
lol
butterfly : that might scare the little kitties
ivycurlz : so they dont look scary
butterfly : lol yah
ivycurlz : weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
oh what fun
butterfly : i am ready. let's go.
i am assuming we need to capital or some loans
to get started on this venture of ours got any connections
with the mob?
ivycurlz : um well i did have uncle vinny
but hes 6 feet under now bad drug deal
butterfly : blast!
ivycurlz :we could knock over a bank here in the states have pre-paid airline tickets jump straight on the plane and head to india never get us there butterfly : i like the way your mind works. ivycurlz : when do you want to go eat? butterfly : wheneva. do you have your lunchy here? ivycurlz : yep! found it stuffed in the back of the freezer butterfly : let me finish posting our good idea to blogger, then i'll
be ready :P ivycurlz : lmfao!!! omg well maybe someone rich will read it and want to sponsor us butterfly : you never know ivycurlz : that would be r a d i c a l butterfly : "now accepting donations" lol ivycurlz : kids, were moving to india lol!! butterfly : on that note, let's eat!
Ramblings of a Thirty-Something-Corporate Hippie-Texas Liberal misplaced in the land of concrete................................................
With an unusually keen sense of smell.
"Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn, a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter. If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life."
"You see, we are here, as far as I can tell, to help each other; our brothers, our sisters, our friends, our enemies. That is to help each other and not hurt each other." ~ Stevie Ray Vaughan
